I know I’ve been quiet around here lately, but I’d like to think I have a pretty good excuse. (Well, a few of them.) Let’s talk about the biggest one.
As best I can tell, I probably developed sleep apnea around the time of the pandemic, when I gained some weight staying home and eating too much UberEats fast food - and I was already heavy. I started feeling like I needed more sleep than before and that I wasn’t waking up feeling rested. While working from home, I would sneak in naps when I could (sorry about that, former GBAO bosses) and sleep as late as possible.
I didn’t know it at the time, though. I thought I was just tired. Depressed, maybe. I live alone, so I didn’t have many indicators of if I was snoring or it was getting worse, which is the telltale sign. (My dog Molly may be annoyed by the snoring interrupting her own beauty rest, but she can’t exactly tell me about it.) And I was able to mostly, though not entirely, cover it up to myself and others. Having almost entirely West Coast clients meant I could sleep in later, especially without a real commute, and I was getting my work done even if it was at odd hours.
Law school doesn’t work like that, though. My mornings really aren’t too early - I have class on Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 AM, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:30 AM (though I also have a weekly Zoom Thursdays at 9 AM for my research job), and Saturdays and Sundays I have to be at work at the salon suites at 8:30 AM. With the commute, though, it was definitely earlier than I was getting up for my old job, and I lost the ability to sneak in naps when I got tired during the day.
It took me a little while to realize what was up. Surely, I thought, I’m just tired from the stress of this new adventure I’m on. Maybe I need to go to bed earlier. Maybe I’m depressed.
And the thing is, I was depressed. But I was getting the causation backwards. I was exhausted, and being so goddamn tired was adding to the other burdens I was carrying. I felt so tired that on Fridays, my one precious day off a week, I’d sleep as late as I could until my weekly therapy appointment, then order some food and nap in the afternoon…not studying, not cleaning my apartment or doing other life-maintenance tasks, not really doing self-care (though sleep is an important part of self-care, there’s other stuff too). I missed some classes because I wasn’t getting good sleep and felt so guilty and horrible about myself, and the guilt and self-loathing only made my mental state worse.
I’ve written before, too, about how a lack of sleep is the worst possible thing for my mental health. It was definitely true during the first couple months of law school. I had a couple of issues that were pretty minor: my car needing a new splash guard and brake pads (the latter miraculously discovered by the mechanics when I brought it in for the dragging splash guard, costing me another $500) and taking longer than expected to fix, my laptop hinge breaking and some difficulty getting the repair covered by the insurance policy I’d paid for. But with the stress of law school and the lack of sleep, the little things felt like the worst things possible. I remember having a panic attack in the car one night, after driving all over after class and failing to get my laptop fixed, because the gas gauge said I had 20 miles left when I’d turned the car off and the cheap gas was 10 miles away, only for it to flick down to 11 miles when I turned it back on. (I did make it to the gas station without further incident.)
My professors were noticing I was struggling, too. In retrospect, I view this as a blessing - it was a wake-up call that I needed help and a sign that UConn Law has a really good community and professors who care about their students’ physical and mental wellness. At the time, though, I felt awful, like an absolute failure. I wanted the Earth to open up and swallow me whole, such was the shame. I desperately missed being able to be an anonymous undergrad, hiding in large lecture classes with no Socratic method and professors who didn’t know me from a hole in the ground.
In mid-October, following some discussion with my therapist and a lack of improvement in my energy levels even after adjusting my sleep habits, I made an appointment with a sleep specialist. The one closest to my home required a referral, so I went further away, and had to jump through a few hoops - initial consult, picking up and dropping off the sleep study equipment, and diagnosis appointment - but I learned on Halloween that I had sleep apnea. The diagnosis was a relief, since I had an answer to why I was feeling so tired all the time, but also came with frustration: I couldn’t get a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) device at that location until November 28, nearly a month later.
At first, I resigned myself to waiting, but the next day hit me hard. That previous Monday, I’d been feeling really run down after a hectic weekend of salon work, research assistant assignments, and a legal writing outline, and I hadn’t slept well. I ended up skipping all my classes that day and sleeping as much as I could. My legal writing professor wrote me a note, saying she noticed I’d missed class and my outline wasn’t up to my usual high standards, and asked if I was okay. I told her a little of what was going on and promised to review the recording and work on improving the outline and research before the writing assignment, and she was kind and understanding. I thought it was all going to be okay.
What I didn’t realize, though, was that I’d missed something else really important on that Monday. UConn Law professors do what they call “on-call” days instead of cold-calling the entire class - you’re told ahead of time when you’re expected to answer Socratic method questions and you only have to talk on those specific days, and the class participation part of your grade (for professors that include it) is based on those on-call days. For contracts, I was only on-call twice during the entire semester, and I had it written down in my calendar that I was on call for the second time Wednesday, November 1.
I went to that contracts class early, with everything printed out, having pored over the assigned cases and study questions. I was ready. The professor saw me and came over before class, asking if I was okay, and I said yes, offering a quick apology for missing class that previous Monday. I was a bit surprised and embarrassed that he’d noticed I’d missed class, but didn’t think much of it until class started and he called on someone all the way on the other side of the room. “That’s odd,” I thought to myself, “I thought he picked on-call groups by seating location. But maybe mine’s different.” So I waited and listened, taking careful notes, as he called on other people. And it slowly dawned on me…oh. Oh, no. He’s not going to call on me at all.
As you may have guessed, I was actually on call for contracts Monday, October 30. The class I’d missed.
My professor had switched around the on-call schedule about a month into the semester (with ample notice - this was not his fault at all), and in my exhausted brain fog, it never registered and I didn’t change my calendar entry. I didn’t know until I pulled out my laptop during the break (he’s a stickler for no laptops during class) and double-checked the on-call schedule. I ran up to him practically in tears, telling him I was so sorry, I didn’t know I’d been on call Monday, I really didn’t mean to miss it and I felt awful. Sensibly not wanting to spend the 5 minutes in a 2-hour class he’d set aside for a break and to answer class-relevant questions comforting a very panic-stricken 1L, he told me we could talk later and it was okay. I promised to email him later and then I spent the next hour of class quietly crying and panicking (though in my defense, I went back to the notes I took that day while outlining and studying for finals, and they’re…surprisingly good?), then immediately after class ran to my car and had a full-on sobbing meltdown in the driver’s seat for 45 minutes.
A few good things eventually came out of that meltdown. First, I leaned hard on a couple of close friends for support - texting them both incessantly while I was in the parking lot, and again later when I tried to email professors and support staff and figure out how to get myself out of that mess - and they could not possibly have been kinder, more helpful, or more supportive. I love them so much.
Second, I emailed my contracts professor, bracing myself for the worst in response, and got back more compassion and care than I knew what to do with. He validated that what I was going through was daunting, offered to base my class participation grade on a strong performance the first time I’d been on-call, and connected me to Student Affairs to get additional help and support. It was such a kind response that I go back and reread it fairly frequently, more than a month later, to remind myself of that goodness and that trust he placed in me. (I also had to strongly fight the urge to email him back telling me he was being too nice to me and I did in fact deserve a lower class participation grade. Self-loathing depression brain is a real motherfucker.)
And finally, after spilling all this to my therapist, she gave me “therapy homework” of trying everything I could to move up my CPAP appointment and get help and better sleep sooner. And I could! As long as I was willing to drive all the way out to Norwalk on a Thursday morning! Indeed I was, since it meant I could get my CPAP nearly two weeks earlier. I had to miss one class and move a conference with another professor from in-person to remote to make it work, but both professors were very understanding and I’m grateful for that.
Once I got it, I noticed improvements right away, particularly in how easy it was to wake up in the morning. Before, I was the type that needed 3-4 alarms to get up in the morning and was absolutely dragging during the morning. One alarm does the trick now, and though I’ll never truly be a morning person, I wake up feeling refreshed and alert. I haven’t missed any classes since I got the CPAP. I’m able to focus better on studying (thank God, too, with finals coming up) and I can use my day off on Friday more productively to go to review sessions, get some studying or chores done, or do something fun and fulfilling. I have had a couple issues with getting the exact fit right and avoiding any leaks, leading to a sore bridge of my nose and some irritated skin on a few occasions - but I think I’ve worked out the right fit now, and even when it did hurt a little, it’s still so much better than constant exhaustion.
I’m also really happy with what I learned about the UConn Law community through this whole ordeal. My classmates were supportive, even the ones in my contracts on-call group I inadvertently screwed over by missing class that day, my professors were understanding and kind, and the support staff helped me figure out what I needed to do to stay in good standing and get through the tough times. Everyone I’ve interacted with has walked the walk on supporting students and caring about them as whole people. I don’t really miss being an anonymous undergraduate anymore, as shitty as it can feel to need help and have other people see that. I’m so happy they were there to notice and help me, and I hope I can pay it forward someday.
Let’s hope this better rest and good feelings all lead to some excellent exam grades over the next two weeks!